Freak

Been a while since I vented myself to no one. I'm watching the Discovery Health channel and the show that's on is about PGAD, Persistant Genital Arousal Disorder. I find it terribly interesting and one of the victims, if you will, said something like "I finally found that what I suffer from has a name, that other people suffer from this also. I've been suffering from this for 6 years and felt so so alone. It takes a toll on you, you begin to feel like a freak." Those words spoke to me, except this individual knew how to describe how she felt, I can't do that.

I had my wisdom teeth out last week and have been doped up on Vicodin for about a week. Prolly have a dry socket and went to the doctor for it but he said it doesn't look or smell like a dry socket, nor does it look infected. He didn't know exactly why that spot hurt so much. His hypothesis was that it post surgery pain/healing whatever. That may be. I do grind my teeth at night and do unconsciously/subconsciously clench my jaw; perhaps it is.

I've been emotional this past week. With the moving coming up in a week and a half, I guess I feel that I'm making all the effort in the relationship, especially by packing up everything that I know and leaving. I understand why he can't move here and yes he has made a big move with proposing to me and that was good because I know I'm not moving there not knowing what's happening with us. I just almost feel like I'm going there with a blind fold. I am so so so scared. I am going to miss my cat so much, she's my baby. I can honestly say I have maternal instincts and whatnot towards her and I want to protect her as much as possible. I can't move her there without me assessing the situation first and making sure that the people I'm around aren't going to hurt, pick on, annoy or tease her. I'll be DAMNED if people feed my cat beer or human food.

To tie things together, I feel that me being so emotional is apart of me feeling like a freak. I can honestly say I have no idea why I am so emotional right now. It's not near my period, maybe it's just that there's a lot going on right now. One minute I can be fine and then I think of all the things that are going to/could possibly happen and tears run down my face. It's taking a toll on our relationship and my mental health. I hate feeling this way, I really hate it and I don't know how to treat or deal with it. I would give anything, absolutely anything to be able to communicate and understand how I feel and what I think exactly. I would love to be able to meet someone like me, that thinks and feels the same things. I would like to be able to relate to people in a way that I don't think can be possible for me. I have been searching for a term, a syndrome, a disorder to pin exactly how I am. I want to be able to tell Stefan that this is what I am, please don't leave me because I'm trying to deal with this as best as I can. I am so scared that he is going to leave me because he can't put up with me anymore. I can barely put up with myself. I get irritated so easily, probably because I can't understand myself and want others to help me. I guess, I really don't know. Just when I thought I heard it all, I get tired of people offering me the same advice: "Go exercise, do art, play your flute, take a walk, volunteer, do yoga, get back into tae kwon do" They are telling me to keep my mind preoccupied and my body busy basically. I get irritated that I can't do things, like play a piece on the flute correctly, or can't exercise as much because my hips hurt, so I get angry and pissed off, so I cry. I am just a mess. I am on so many pills, I want to be off of them. I want to be mentally and physically healthy. I want to be ok so others don't get tired of hearing me complain, or get sick of just being around me. I want to be strong, but it's hard when you don't have anyone to compare yourself to.

I want to hear that someone out there worries of the world ending and I don't mean 12.21.2012, but just in general. The fact that I can't have control over that. Maybe that's why I get so irritated with myself and others, because I can't control these things and I get pissed off because I'd really like to just be happy and I know damn well that they don't deserve to deal with me. I feel like a burden on most people. I really do feel like a freak. I have so much hope and passion and love, but it's just so hard to get it out in a productive way.

I want to know that things are ok. I want to have some control of my future and to know what will happen. I don't know why I need to have control over so many things. I can't even let my family clean the house because they can't do it right. They aren't thorough and don't kill the germs. I am a germ-o-phobe, but not in a too debilitating state. I clean because it's one thing that I can control in my life and I can see the results instantly.

I live in a pigsty. If I didn't clean here, no one would. My dad doesn't clean his room. He's a conservative and has the mentality of "if it's fine on the outside, then who cares what's on the inside; even if it is a mess". I dusted his room a couple days ago and it was just coated with dust. It's sad. He's so bent on having the rest of the house clean, but he won't clean his room, garage or basement. Mom's clothes are still in there, layers of dust on them and his walk-in-closet isn't very walk-in anymore. He needs to let go. I shouldn't worry about it, but he needs to fucking realize he can't yell at us for not cleaning up our dishes when his room is a fucking pigsty or the fact that he has a closet full of my mom's clothes from the 90's. I want to so badly just pack it all up and take it to goodwill, but if he freaked out from me throwing away powdered potatoes, he'll go postal.

Please, I can't worry this much for bad things to happen. I'm crying as I type this; I need to be comforted. Please!