So today is just an off day. It started to thunderstorm and it's been so peaceful. I love this. I hadn't been sleeping well the past couple of days due to homework, so I took a nap. I wanted to keep going, but I knew I wouldn't fall asleep later. Oh well, I guess I can actually look forward to going to bed once again.
My mom and dad are visiting me tomorrow, not at the same time though. It weird, I don't know what EXACTLY changed, but ever since I wrote her that email, I now feel I can tell her anything. And I mean ANYTHING. It's a different feeling, I'm still getting used to it.
I want to be respected. I want my body, my views, and my beliefs to be respected. Not just by a guy, but by everyone. Some people's philosophy is you have to earn respect, well, why can't you just give it and go on with your life. Just be a decent fucking person and we wouldn't have a lot of issues, assholes.
I was talking to my friend Carrie, and I have come to really realize that I don't know who I am. I have been on medication for SO long, I don't know what I'm like without them. What people know of me now, is medicated Beth, not au natural Beth. And truth be told, I'm not ready to find out what I'm like off pills. I don't want to end up back in the hospital; the timing would just be awful. I would like to some day though. Not cause I thinks it's wrong, but because it costs a buttload of money, and the side effects aren't that totally cool. Also, if I go on a new psychiatric medication, do I really know if it's working? Could be a whole CRAP load of factors that could make it work (or not). I just don't know.
I rode the bus around, after I read that thing about my ex. I had to clear my head; I was so pissed off. Shed a tear or two.
hteb
Friday, April 30, 2010
Punch
Ittttttt's Friday and I am relaxing. I've been working hard, at least it feels like I have on a paper and whatnot. I am having a SERIOUS case of senioritis and just want to get the fuck outta here. I'm actually watching Wife Swap on Lifetime and my god, what a mesmerizing show. The one that I'm watching this very instant is with an artisy fartsy, environmentalist, vegetarian, "I'm gunna have my own room for my art, while my three kids have to share one room", type of person. The other wife lives for her children while they ride motorcycles and have no other free time, living out of hotels most of the year. I am a lot like the environmentalist (obviously), I'm selfish like her, and I pretty much love the earth. However, having her damn children, in one room, is a litttttttle crazy. Clearly that family wasn't ready to have kids.
There is a tornado watch out right now. My nervousness spiked when I heard it. Immediatlely, I started looking around the room to see what I would take if the sirens went off and we needed to take cover. Is that bad? I don't know, I've just always been terrified of tornadoes. Now, I am not as bad as I have been when I was younger. Back then, I was ridiculous; scurrying around the house, getting all the animals in the basement, getting food and blankets down there. As if this was all a bombing during a war. I was a mess as a child. Damn. I think I've loosened up. I'm trying really hard to become a better person, not through religion but through self-experience, self expression, lots of thinking and opening my mind up to different ways of thinking from others. I do think that all the thinking that I do I see from as many angles that I can think of. I don't just think of the same thing over and over. When I hear a different point of view, I dwell on that and try to REALLY see where they are coming from and try to understand it and make it as if it almost wouldn't bother me. I am trying so hard.
So, I just read on my ex's facebook that this ugly bitch is flirting with him already. I feel sick to my stomach. I know I need to get over it, but holy shit, my blood is boiling. I told him to not talk to me until he knows what he wants to say/wants. I am jealous =( I don't want to be. Maybe she could make him happier than I did.=\
Still hurts that I can't see him over my birthday, as much as it wouldn't help anything. This whole thing is just adding to my hatred of life. I have something that I love so much and never want to go away annnnnd it turns to the worse possible thing. Just awesome.
I feel like crying. Still.
There is a tornado watch out right now. My nervousness spiked when I heard it. Immediatlely, I started looking around the room to see what I would take if the sirens went off and we needed to take cover. Is that bad? I don't know, I've just always been terrified of tornadoes. Now, I am not as bad as I have been when I was younger. Back then, I was ridiculous; scurrying around the house, getting all the animals in the basement, getting food and blankets down there. As if this was all a bombing during a war. I was a mess as a child. Damn. I think I've loosened up. I'm trying really hard to become a better person, not through religion but through self-experience, self expression, lots of thinking and opening my mind up to different ways of thinking from others. I do think that all the thinking that I do I see from as many angles that I can think of. I don't just think of the same thing over and over. When I hear a different point of view, I dwell on that and try to REALLY see where they are coming from and try to understand it and make it as if it almost wouldn't bother me. I am trying so hard.
So, I just read on my ex's facebook that this ugly bitch is flirting with him already. I feel sick to my stomach. I know I need to get over it, but holy shit, my blood is boiling. I told him to not talk to me until he knows what he wants to say/wants. I am jealous =( I don't want to be. Maybe she could make him happier than I did.=\
Still hurts that I can't see him over my birthday, as much as it wouldn't help anything. This whole thing is just adding to my hatred of life. I have something that I love so much and never want to go away annnnnd it turns to the worse possible thing. Just awesome.
I feel like crying. Still.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
*sigh*
I'm scared he's moved on. I know I haven't.
I went out to the bars last night. I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I mean, I did, but I saw all these couples kissing and groping and I wanted that to be me and him. I still sleep with the sweatshirt and boxers. I don't want to consider myself single, I want him to be mine and I want me to be for him.
Sometimes I'm scared about what he tells others about why we broke up. It's almost that I'm hoping this is a phase, and that it'll pass in time. I am praying for it. He would have to say verbally, directly, not beating around the bush that he's done with the lifestyle and wants to be with me and only me and will give all of his attention to me, like I was to him. We never really even got to go out to the bars, at night and just have that sort of scene. I thought we were doing OK, but I guess it was just a cover-up for the pain he was feeling. I feel so sorry/sad for him. I honestly, just want him to be happy and he really does deserve a good person.
What the hell am I going to do? I'm sick of blogging about this shit; it's the same fucking thing over and over, and for my readers, if I have any...I am sorry.
I can't imagine myself being with anyone else.
I went out to the bars last night. I didn't enjoy it as much as I thought I would. I mean, I did, but I saw all these couples kissing and groping and I wanted that to be me and him. I still sleep with the sweatshirt and boxers. I don't want to consider myself single, I want him to be mine and I want me to be for him.
Sometimes I'm scared about what he tells others about why we broke up. It's almost that I'm hoping this is a phase, and that it'll pass in time. I am praying for it. He would have to say verbally, directly, not beating around the bush that he's done with the lifestyle and wants to be with me and only me and will give all of his attention to me, like I was to him. We never really even got to go out to the bars, at night and just have that sort of scene. I thought we were doing OK, but I guess it was just a cover-up for the pain he was feeling. I feel so sorry/sad for him. I honestly, just want him to be happy and he really does deserve a good person.
What the hell am I going to do? I'm sick of blogging about this shit; it's the same fucking thing over and over, and for my readers, if I have any...I am sorry.
I can't imagine myself being with anyone else.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
More ranting and complaining
I have no idea what to do anymore. I am soooooo sick of the same shit that he keeps telling me. Why break up with me, tell me such things, promising me a better future, and then go and not talk to me for a fucking day and after me probing for answers, finally tells me the same shit all over again. WhatTheFuck. I am just so hurt and pissed right now. I want to scream or just call everything off. I'm sooooo grrrrrr, just fucking pissed off. I really, truly thought that things would be different after he said those things. Once again, I believed him. This is a broken fucking record.
I tend to just fuck things up, unintentionally of course. Can't pass school, can't get over the past, can't control my moods, can't control my anxiety. I feel like I zero control of things.
I went to Starbucks with my mom, and read out loud a paper article thing. I realize that I can't really read out loud =\ I struggle over words, stutter, lose my place and when I read aloud, I read the words, but I'm not comprehending any of it. Anyone else get this? I feel pathetic, I really do. I feel like a burden on the people around me. I have no idea how people tolerate me or are even my friends. I can't stand myself, how could they??
I'm sick of school, sick of loans, sick of not having money, sick of living at home, sick of other people. I just want to get out of here, out of school, and get my own place and have a job and get into a routine. I think that would ease my anxiety and mood even.. I have no idea who would hire me. My resume is NOT impressive, I don't have people skills, I don't have experience, I'm allergic to animals and I have a hard time getting acclimated to new situations.
Whatever. Screw this
I tend to just fuck things up, unintentionally of course. Can't pass school, can't get over the past, can't control my moods, can't control my anxiety. I feel like I zero control of things.
I went to Starbucks with my mom, and read out loud a paper article thing. I realize that I can't really read out loud =\ I struggle over words, stutter, lose my place and when I read aloud, I read the words, but I'm not comprehending any of it. Anyone else get this? I feel pathetic, I really do. I feel like a burden on the people around me. I have no idea how people tolerate me or are even my friends. I can't stand myself, how could they??
I'm sick of school, sick of loans, sick of not having money, sick of living at home, sick of other people. I just want to get out of here, out of school, and get my own place and have a job and get into a routine. I think that would ease my anxiety and mood even.. I have no idea who would hire me. My resume is NOT impressive, I don't have people skills, I don't have experience, I'm allergic to animals and I have a hard time getting acclimated to new situations.
Whatever. Screw this
Monday, April 5, 2010
Empty
Went to Ohio, and I had an amazing time. I got sick, but as selfish as it sounds I would rather have spent my spring break down there sick, than at home and healthy. He took such good care of me, in every way. I mean, when I got there he had candles, and was going to massage me and he did it to my favorite song. It was pretty damn special, not something he would just do everyday. He got me shoes that were my favorite color, he brought me dinner and dessert when I was sick, he got me medicine when I couldn't breathe, he took me places just to walk around and touch things, he let me play with his chest hair and he took care of things like my car or my gift card that didn't work. It was amazing, just simply amazing to have someone take care of you like that. Fuck, I miss him so fucking much.
I just want to be with him, to wake up to him everyday and to have our own place. I want that. I am scared though. His profession would be in law enforcement and I am scared that one night he won't come home. I don't know what I would do with myself. I'm scared because I don't know if I'll pass college; what if I lose my FinAid???? I can't go to college then! It's not like I'm even a bad student, I don't go to parties and I do my work. What if I don't get a job in Ohio? This economy sucks and I can't just move there and not work. I don't want to work in retail either while the economy is fixing itself out. He seems so set and I'm so unsure. I'm so scared for that. SO scared. I would hate to have it end up wrong. I have so much to work on to get set for life after college (that is if I make it). No, optimistic attitudes don't do shit for me. In a way, I'm just angry. Angry that some people here are upset because their boyfriends don't go to the same school as them and they only get to see eachother on the weekends. Boo fucking hoo. Y'know how hard it is to wait months before you see the person you feel like you can't live without? To live 430 miles apart and only one of you has a car? Fuck, I mean, me and him have only see eachother in person about 8 times. Each time for about a week. Yeah, I could pick someone else, closer by and whatever but I don't want to. I choose to complain because some idiots don't know what it really is like to not see the person you love for a while. Oh well, I'm willing to wait and so is he. I just have to keep my head up. Love you hun.
I just want to be with him, to wake up to him everyday and to have our own place. I want that. I am scared though. His profession would be in law enforcement and I am scared that one night he won't come home. I don't know what I would do with myself. I'm scared because I don't know if I'll pass college; what if I lose my FinAid???? I can't go to college then! It's not like I'm even a bad student, I don't go to parties and I do my work. What if I don't get a job in Ohio? This economy sucks and I can't just move there and not work. I don't want to work in retail either while the economy is fixing itself out. He seems so set and I'm so unsure. I'm so scared for that. SO scared. I would hate to have it end up wrong. I have so much to work on to get set for life after college (that is if I make it). No, optimistic attitudes don't do shit for me. In a way, I'm just angry. Angry that some people here are upset because their boyfriends don't go to the same school as them and they only get to see eachother on the weekends. Boo fucking hoo. Y'know how hard it is to wait months before you see the person you feel like you can't live without? To live 430 miles apart and only one of you has a car? Fuck, I mean, me and him have only see eachother in person about 8 times. Each time for about a week. Yeah, I could pick someone else, closer by and whatever but I don't want to. I choose to complain because some idiots don't know what it really is like to not see the person you love for a while. Oh well, I'm willing to wait and so is he. I just have to keep my head up. Love you hun.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)