In Ohio at last...

Yes, it's true: I am in Ohio... Not gunna lie, I don't like it here. The laws are weird, the school system is weird (they go by credit hours, rather than by just credits) and I miss Wisconsin. I am sick of some of the people however, just the typical lowlifes in typical cities.

I've been having job interviews, one at a furniture store, another at a janitorial service. No luck, just bad pay. I know I can't expect it to be high wage right away, but I do have retail experience and I don't know how I can stress to other people that I'm a very hard worker. I may not be management material, and not that I want to be, but I am a damn good follower and I don't always, if ever, need to be supervised. I don't think I would like to clean for a living. I mean, I can do it at wok, just not for a living. I find solace in cleaning, but if I have to come home to a pigsty, that's the last thing I would want at the end of the day. I don't mind cleaning up after people, I just hate it when most people don't take an initiative to do something first. Why not try to help around the house, do some yard work, or dust a little? Looks aren't everything but dusting helps with allergies, vacuuming does too, and can help control bug problems....Why wouldn't you do these things? I don't know, I just like cleaning.

I have a job interview soon with a tea company. I am nervous, not about getting it, but about what it has to offer for me. I hope it is full-time (like I wanted), not bad pay, with some benefits. I know I shouldn't expect great things, but at my last job, supposedly they had good insurance and junk ( I never had to use it...), and it was retail. So, I'm not completely bat for wishing for good benefits. It's close to where we will be moving and in a good neighborhood. I will cross my fingers in hoping these things come to me. It's weird, my mom did say that something will come along and it will be great. Chinese fortune cookie or not, I hope this is my break. I am a firm believer in working hard for your money. I can do that.

It's really, really hard seeing all these statuses on facebook about how everyone is moving back to school and here I am, standing still in my time. I have to remain frozen for a year, and they can move onto better things. I don't regret moving here, I regret fucking up so badly in school. I still blame myself, who else would there be? I still see myself as a failure, a disappointment. I hate having to explain to people when they ask, "are you in school?" that I'm not. and when they ask why, I have to say I have to take a year off. I'm not the sort to lie to people. If they wanna think that I dropped out, got preggo, need to clear my thoughts, go right ahead. I know I could just lie, but in future conversation, that lie could bite my in the ass, so I don't. I want to be able to tell people that I have a degree in biological aspects of conservation and that I have a secure job. How can I defeat those odd, especially with pretty much everything against me? I don't know what to do when next year school starts....do I move back to Wisconsin? Do I find a degree down here? what if my credits don't transfer? What if I don't make the cut? What if I fail again? I am so worried about failing. Failing myself and my family. How can I live up to people that have their BA's, BS's and have successful jobs and here their daughter is failing? How can people like that, raise a child that would fail? If they can't, then is it my fault that I failed? Is it my brain?
I don't know the answers to this and it really sucks. What would I say to the college I will hopefully be attending when they ask "why did you take a year off?" What the hell do I say to that? When they ask about my grades, what do I say about it? What do I say caused my failure? I still don't know, and I want to find an answer.

I miss home. I can't wait till I see my Luna.....she's going to have a hard time adapting, but I think she will be happier with me, and he being the only cat. I miss the purr of a cat soooo much. No one here has a cat, none of his relatives....all dogs. Truth be told, I'm sick of dogs. I'm not hating the animal, nor would I ever not save one.....but I just want a cat. I am tempted to go to a pet store and just pet the cats there. I'm almost certain I will burst into tears.


I'm gone for now.

Beth....