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Wow, so this is a blog. Never really done this before. I don't really know what to say....

I guess to start, I feel betrayed. I don't see how my mom could stop being a mom and start being 'just a friend'. Right now, I feel like I have no one to turn to. Sundays are the death of me and with no one to fall back on, I feel really fucking depressed. It sucks so much to have your boyfriend so far away and not being able to kiss him goodnight or hold his hand. Really, when I see people at school walking around holding hands, kissing before they go off to class for 50 minutes and being lovey dovey, I feel like shit. I really do. But then I think that the love that we have between eachother is so strong that we have held up after 8 months. Weird thing is, is that I don't feel that he would cheat on me. That, is a great feeling that I didn't have previously in my life.

When I mention my ex to anyone, I hate myself for it. It's kinda harsh to say that, but I do. I cringe because I'm pretty damn sure that no one cares about that fuckface anymore. I bring him up because I want other people to know where I am coming from, my past, and maybe even why I am/act the way I am/do. It's bad, but I compare other guys to him. In a good way for the guys,not the ex. My ex treated me SO badly mentally and emotionally that I am still really scarred from this bastard. I'm so afraid of my relationship with my bf turning up like the one I had, that I think I'm maybe even driving him away by worrying about it.

Telling me not to worry is like telling a tiger not to have stripes.

I guess it all boils down to the future, I can't handle something that I can't control. I am so fucking scared of the future, I don't want to fail. I've tried so hard so far for so many things and I've come a long ways. If I fail, I really don't know what I'd do. Times like this, you begin to think, "Right about now in movies, their life becomes easier and happier and ends up right!" and that is basically must get better for you because shit, like couldn't be this crappy....right?



It sucks being too dumb to communicate what you really feel instead of stumbling on words and making everyone confused and angry while your try to figure out what the hell to say. That's shit for me. I can't talk or communicate for the life of me.

I wish I was less impulsive....This is getting hard.

I miss my cats so much at home. Being away from them is so heartbreaking. When I go home, I put my head on Luna's belly and it's so weird to feel something alive, underneath your head, breathing and warm. It is so comforting and something that cannot be replaced. Cats will love you unconditionally; us humans have the problem that we need to get over.

Jesus, these thoughts are random. Oh well. I'm still new at this.