Almost Friday

Means my mom will be here. I'm scared. It is normal to be scared to see your own mother? My words were harsh to her; I'm a bitch to her. She deserves for the hell she's dragged me through. Where was my mom for the past 5 years? Pretty sure I needed a shoulder to cry on, a person to talk to, to "hang out", someone would could come to me if I'm panicking. It's like I'm being walked on all over by her. I don't want to talk about my feelings, or her feelings. Christ, this is gunna suck. I mean, we could do errands, but in the email I said that all I think of her is as a person for financial, legal needs, and for my cats. Kinda shitty if I'm trying to "mend" things with her and ask her to drive me places so I can get shit done on her time. Maybe she owes it to me. Fuck I'm bitter.

I did nothing today. Literally, nothing. I woke up around 6 a.m., thirsty as fuck. I was in a dream state, I went to get my water bottle and just stared out the window. It was so peaceful, like nothing bad was happening at that exact moment. Went back to sleep, woke up around 10 a.m. I believe. Skipped my classes, just didn't feel like going. It's bad, I know. I guess this is what depression is gunna feel like for quite a long time. I walked to the liquor store for an acquaintance, and rode the bus back. My T.A. sat next to me, which was awkward as fuck. I swear, she may be a lesbian. The way she looks at me... ugh. I got back to my dorm and felt sleepy. Decided to take a nap and felt asleep to ghost stuff on TV.

(Side note: I swear, my room is haunted. Not a bad haunted, just haunted. My roommate says she feels stuff too. For us, the windows were closed, we were watching TV and a fork fell off the shelf by itself. There wasn't a rumble, it wasn't windy. That was the day of the Chile earthquake, maybe it was aftershock all the way up here! oh crap! Her printer is fucked up. I'll be alone in the room and her printer has a mind of its fucking own. Almost making noises like it's getting ready to print something. It did it today while she was in the room, I didn't feel as crazy. As I'm in bed, getting ready to drift off to sleep, which takes forever for me, I look around the room. I can tell that by my area of the room where my desk is, my eyes are drawn to it. Almost like there is a dark mass over here. The roomie also has seen something that looked like it was moving. So yeah, I don't know.)

anyway, woke up around 4 pm I believe, went online. I don't remember what I did, if I did anything or if I went anywhere. I don't think so. I've written down class notes from online for one class, finishing up for another. I guess it wasn't too unproductive, just felt...lazy.

Sometimes I think I'm not smart enough for what I want to do. Others are charismatic and I just have extreme passion. I wish that would get me noticed.

I haven't slept well in a long time. Somnambulism pretty much sums up my life right now.

My sister is an idiot. Blunt, but true. Her AIM status was "anyone want a cat?" and I messaged her with ....what cat??? she said, "all of them ><". WTF????? so I immediately freaked out of course, called home and talked to my dad. He confirmed that Luna is fine, but others need to be dealt with. Regardless of the cat, if it's mean, and nasty, I hate to see it be given up. I don't know what I would've done if my dad chose to give away Luna. I would probably do something dramatic like get a bus ride home that night and fight for her. I would be crying the whole way there thinking that this is just one more issue to get worked up over.

This was a pretty pointless blog but whatever. I'm just nervous for Friday.

Beth