Yea...

Yeah, just got done with laundry...ahh yeah.

I didn't know how much I could love a person until him. But, of course, it had to be too good to be true. No, no...I can't have someone that only wants themselves for the other person. Experience really doesn't matter, it shouldn't if you love someone else. I don't know. I am so numb. So, fucking, numb. So many urges that I have to resist. It's just not fair. Was it ever? Will it ever be? Probably not. I really don't think I'll find another person and really I don't want to. I guess I thought hopefully thinking would change him. A friend said she would pray for me a while ago, I don't see a change. If they read this, don't bother with your time; it doesn't do shit, but thanks. Fuck, why even bother with anything? Seriously? I am on the edge and am pretty damn close to jumping. I guess I should never have given my heart totally away. Ha, and people wonder why I'm bitter and cold, think about it motherfuckers!

It kinda feels like one of those commercials where you are moving in regular pace and everyone is zooming around you. That's a pretty accurate portrayal of what my life is like right now.

For the first time, I kinda don't feel like I have a purpose in life. Maybe he took all the hope I had with everything. I don't even care about the tigers right now. And the thing is, I can wallow all the fuck I want and it won't do shit. So, what do I do? Yeah, move on, you deserve someone better, he sounds confused, he's a boy. All those things I've heard and everytime I hear it, I want to say "Fuck you". Feels like I would die for him, but he wouldn't do the same for me.

I don't know what I'm going to do when my mom comes on Friday (actually, if that's too good to be true too, I don't expect her to be here). I don't want to cry anymore. I am sooo fucking sick of having crusty cheeks from all the salt. I've killed so many trees from all the kleenex I've used. I don't care about anyone else's feelings right now, except for his I guess. Not like it matters because things are set in stone.

Kinda funny. Maybe I am having so much of an issue with this because he was a virgin and I took that from him. maybe it's like a lost pet that I took in and now it wants to go out and experience life and come back to me and think that it's going to be ok. Fuck. It's almost like I want him to stay mine and not give himself up for anyone else. Are relationships supposed to be this hard? Is it worth it?

I haven't eaten much today, a cookie and an orange. I've been nauseous and thinking about his cock in another person does not help at all. I know he's a big boy and can handle himself, but can't he see how much I'm hurting? I'm, not doing well. Mentally, emotionally I'm just so close to doing something I am probably going to regret. So many thoughts going through my head at the same time. So many conflicting issues that come up and I just don't care about any of it. I'm sick of it.

I just want it to be OK. I've never felt this way about anyone and I'm fighting so hard for it. It's not making a difference! How does this reflect the rest of my life?! Yeah, this makes me fucking motivated to accomplish things in life. I've never driven so far so many times to see someone for a couple of days. Everyday was worth it. Who the hell drives to Ohio to meet someone they met online? Why didn't he come to me...? Maybe he just says he loves me, but doesn't really know what that means? No, he says things that make me know for sure that he loves me. But when he says those things, you would think that he could push away his own feelings and work towards our relationship. For either of us, it's selfish. I need some sort of help, whether it's coincidence or fate. I'm beginning to talk to myself in the shower, begging for help.

Goddamn, I want him so badly. This crying needs to stop.