I failed. Horribly. I thought my passion, my strong drive to do good for the earth, would pull me through. I thought this would be the real deal. Unfortunately some of my best work wasn't good enough. I tried so fucking hard and it got me no where. Such a pity too because I learned a lot while I was there, I just couldn't apply it apparently. I learned a lot of ways of thinking, and I am grateful for that. I am much more aware of others' feelings, even though I hate people. I suppose this is a good thing, that was supposed to happy maybe. I think the notion of "everything happens for a reason" is just a comfort thing, not the actual absence of free will. I don't really know what I believe, and that kind of sucks when I'm trying to explain my thought process to others. I'm so frustrated with myself, I'm so disappointed in myself, I'm so sick of myself. I didn't have a backup plan, like most would have. I was even warned, but I didn't listen because I felt like I could do it because I feel like this is why I'm alive. My will wasn't strong enough and that is coming to me as a big shock.
What am I going to do? Most legitimate places require someone to have a BS/BA in order to even touch tigers. How am I going to explain myself to jobs? That " oh yeah, btw, I can't do this and this because I dropped out of school"??? I don't do extracurricular activities and I don't volunteer. I guess I could change that, but I can't volunteer at an animal shelter, I can't work at the zoo because I don't live in that county. I suppose I could say I live with my mom, but I really, really hate lying. The nearest tiger sanctuary is about an hour away and I'll be damned if I commute there everyday to work. Even then, if I do, I don't have a chance to move up in the place because I don't have a fucking degree because I fucking suck. An associates isn't going to get you places. I fucked up, big time.
I'm trying to figure out what went wrong this past year, and I honestly can say that there really isn't a good reason. and that scares me. Am I just too dumb to figure this shit out? Am I LD? Could it be because I had a roommate and not my own room (which I am used to)? I am on new medicine, and I don't know how to test it to see if it works. I can't study to see if I'm distracted, I don't know how to figure out if it works. I think I have noticed that my thoughts are less jumbled. Yes, they still raced but I can somewhat sort through them with some clarity.
If I were to appeal the process, I would need a damn good reason to tell them why I sucked so badly. I have nothing to tell them. Which is why I think it's best to just take a year off and really take a look at what the hell I'm doing with myself.
I think moving to Ohio would give me some perspective on things. I don't know how, but I just have a gut feeling. (yeah, that's worked out well with me in the past) Plus, it could show us (me and stef) how things would work if we were to be together. People are skeptical about us, and they have every right to be. I am scared for us too, but I love him with all my heart, even with all the fighting. I feel like we really are meant for each other.
On a separate note, is it bad to just be totally annoyed by your sibling? I mean, just utterly pissed off just at the thought of them, disgusted at the sight of them, and angry just by their presence? Seriously, I just can't stand her. She is so fucking smart but doesn't have the common sense and can't apply herself in a sensible way. I guess that's why I'm so angry at her, she has the smarts and doesn't do anything with them, while I worked my ass off and couldn't achieve shit. That, and she's just annoying as fuck. She's almost 25 and lives at home and doesn't do shit. It's just so fucking annoying.
This whole situation with everything just makes me even more angry at life and myself. I have such bad anger issues, I just don't know how to fix it. Sometimes I feel like I have a glimmer of hope in releasing that anger, but it comes right back. I really don't know. I'm so unsure about everything now. I don't know what to do, where to go or how to achieve what I feel I was put on this earth for. I don't want to work at a place with no degree, and no be able to move up and get better money. I need the money, I'm not a cheap person! Meds, loans, animals.... I'm so scared. So so so scared.
B
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Beth. I love you. I freaking adore the heck out of you. You know what you want so make, it, work. For now, that means taking the year off, moving to Ohio, and thinking things over. A year off did me a TON of good, so I hope it does for you too.
ReplyDeleteI love you. You're doing the right thing for the here and now. You will make it through. Someway or another, you'll make it through. Especially since you're not alone.