update

Yes, yes a lot has happened in the past however long it has been. I won't fill in everything, but it gets harder. Life gets harder and really does make me want to crumble up into a ball and disappear. Life never, never gives you a break. It's always one thing after another and you get worn down. I can't say living is something that is for everyone and I can definitely see why someone would commit suicide.

I've been on a manic episode for about 2-3 weeks now. Which is sort of unusual for my cycles. Just fucking irritated and crying. It's confusing for me because it sounds like depression to most. My sleep is fucked up and I can't relax. I just want to be OK. People say others will be OK, but they aren't guaranteed it. Fuck this. Give me a guarantee or I don't want to be here. Over the years I have seen what my disorder has done and how I've reacted to certain situations. I would I could just put a label on my forehead and give others a warning about me before they commit to a relationship with me. I'm not OK. I have a significant other that doesn't talk to me when something's wrong because he doesn't think it makes a difference. So, here I am, at 12:51 a.m., writing a blog and wondering what's going through his head. I sort of had an outburst today. How he reacted was not what I needed. His reaction: nothing. Granted how I acted may have put him in an awkward situation, doing nothing is next to the worst thing you can do. Actually, scratch that, it is the worst thing to do. You're ignoring it. If you scold me for acting out, at least you're acknowledging it. When he's down, I try to be consoling and comforting because that's how I want to be treated when I'm down. Apparently he has yet to understand this.

I went out for margaritas today, cried all the way there. Just that thought in my head of "You're just a fuck up. You'll never amount to anything. You lost everything." kept playing in my head. Of course when I get the courage to call, they aren't able to take my call. (OSU). Of course. Why would I have something go right for me?

Someone once told me that they would love to read the book on the story of my life. I thought about it and I don't think it would do justice. I mean, words are powerful but unless you're in my situation they amount to far less. Really, who would want to read a book of bitching, moaning, crying, and error? There are plenty of books about that, what would make my story any different?

I'm not an easy character. I can see why people are put off my me. I get that. But those who have stayed with me, thank you. I love you and I am baffled at the fact that you stayed.

I may not have a lot of patience in the short term of things, but I am realizing how patient for things in the long run. I wait and wait, I may become a little antsy but I'll wait around for what I think is right. I don't know if that's good or bad....

I'm pretty sure no one will read this, but at least it out.

I shouldn't feel sorry to be me, but I am. That sucks.