2/27/10

Note sure what to type, just feel I need to.

I am so fucking sad, like apart of me is gone. I feel betrayed by everyone that loves me and little things are setting me off. Two nights ago I just couldn't fucking take it. It was one thing after another. I just can't seem to get a grip on reality. I was shaking, crying, pretty much a panic attack. I was pacing around the room, crying my eyes out, thinking about what I should do. That's all I'll say about that.

My mom comes to visit me this friday, should be interesting.... The last thing I want is to cry some more, which I know full well that I am going to. I don't know what else to say, or think. I guess I really don't know why we are meeting. I've never actually "hung out" with any of my parents, I don't even know what that constitutes as. I don't want to talk about feelings or how I hurt hers. I realize I did, that was the intention, a wake up call.

Tonight the ahh, ex, is going out to a strip club and I am hurting. I know I need to get over it because there is apparently no chance of getting back together with him. I just don't want to, I love him so much. The thought of another female, or male for that matter, rubbing up against his junk and in his face makes my stomach turn. The thought of him being aroused by another person in the flesh and paying her for it, just doesn't sit well with me. Ha, it's kinda hard to see the screen past my tears. I'm beginning to think that this "lack of common interests" actually means he wants to go and be with other women, try them out. Either way, I guess it doesn't matter, it's too late. Why did I get attached so quickly?

I was reliving by retelling the story of how I met him to my friend. Those thoughts made me so happy. So, so happy. I didn't think twice about not kissing him. The look in his eyes. The excitement and disbelief that I'm actually doing this as I cross state lines. Watching Family Guy in the hotel and pigging out. It was all so perfect. I swear, that guy could make me do things that I didn't think I could do, such as clip his toenails. I loved his body, he's just such a big guy. Loved his tattoos and his broad shoulders and his REAL smile ahh it made my knees weak. It was perfect for resting my head on when we were laying next to each other. Good god, I'm typing as if he had passed away. Jesus...

I am scared that he has moved on already, thinking about other girls, wanting to get laid tonight and not thinking twice about me. I'm idiotic to hope that he could come back. Stupid human folly.

I would do anything, to have that day, that life, and that love back. It's not everyday that you find a guy that can stand your family (at least, not show that he hates them). This whole breakup has sent in panic attacks like I haven't had in 7 or 8 years. I wanted to move out there and live with him. I guess it's good that I didn't given the situation I am in now...

I suppose I am just lonely here. I haven't had physical contact; a hug seems awkward now. I would love to wake up to someone next to me, to make me pancakes and salmon( not together). Some that could sit through Avatar with me and not complain about it.


My god, what have I done?