Psychotic experience

http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/psychotic_experience

I've always had a feeling of being different. Not the typical "everyone is unique", but that I really am different. A passage from the above link,

Psychosis is a psychiatric term, and describes experiences, such as hearing or seeing things or holding unusual beliefs, which other people don’t see or share. During a psychotic experience, your thoughts may jump around very quickly, and so you may find it difficult to voice them in a way that others can understand. For many people, these experiences can be highly distressing and disruptive, interfering with everyday life, with normal conversations, with having ordinary relationships, and finding or keeping a job.

This is it. I thought psychosis was a broad psychiatric term, not a precise diagnosis.

For the sake of my thoughts being put on the internet and that this blog is open to the public, I will not share the thoughts that would fall under the category "unusual beliefs". I do not want to be subjected to the unknowns of what the internet could give. I have a lot of thoughts that many people would see as.....odd, as a "why would you see it like that? seriously? you don't see what's wrong with that? And I don't. I really truly don't see what's wrong with it. This sort of reaction is only furthering my sensation of feeling different.

Since I've started my new medication, I feel like I can think a little clearer. Words aren't so hard to find but still difficult. I am hoping he increases it next time I see him. Hopefully it can only get better with more medication. Hopefully.

Now, I do realize that psychosis can deal with hearing voices and I have realized that delusions, hearing voices seeing things can fall under this term too. The unusual beliefs can be that you are royalty, when you clearly are not. Or that you can talk to god. These are not the type of beliefs I have. I know that the examples I've given are bogus. Silly. I suppose the type of beliefs I have are more like I don't see why most of society sees this as wrong.... I don't see why a certain situation could possibly be so bad etc. I KNOW there is scientific evidence behind things and such, but I still just don't get it. Grr....this is so hard to get across. So hard to say.


Here too.

If you're autistic, your needs are mostly the same as anyone else (food, shelter, security) but you may have some unique twists. For example, you may have allergies, or be sensitive to the flicker of fluorescent lights, or be unable to wear wool clothes because the feel of the fibers drives you crazy.

You may believe your own communication problems will be reduced if the people around you are willing to change their style of engagement to accommodate you, or you may ask that they excuse some of your expressions, which might otherwise be offensive or unacceptable.

I have been so picky about clothes since I've been born. I would stretch my clothes on my bed post in the morning. They would be too tight, too restricting. I would have panic attacks and not be able to wear what other people could wear. I didn't wear my first pair of jeans till I was in 5th grade. I didn't wear a bra, even when I needed one, till I was in 8th grade. I hated how they constricted me, how it was too tight. When I lifted up my leg in my jeans, I didn't want the jean pant leg to touch my leg and hold me back. I felt claustrophobic in it. I hated my childhood for that reason solely.

I've been told that my face shows expression, much more than my words. That my face has a mind of its own. Even if my brain hadn't reacted to a situation, my face would. That was bad. Last year in college, some of my floormates got offended by a face I did when I didn't even know I did. I didn't understand. I had to become conscious about my face and how I was expressing myself when it should just become natural. That sucks.

Do I have an autism spectrum disorder? I can't voice my words and I have a hard time dealing with emotions in the right way. Maybe I do. I don't know. I just want a label so I can know, learn to deal with it, and move on.

I knew it was going to happen. I was ready.

She came into our lives just as quick as she left. I was outside on our porch and I saw a black creature next to the cars parked down below. I knew the familiar shape and movement: a cat. All black, scrawny, no collar. I told Stefan to come here and we both gazed upon its likeness towards Luna. After several minutes of just staring and the cat looking back at us, I decided to go get it. I wasn't sure what I would do with it, but I just wanted to get it.

I went down there with some food that Stefan put in my hand, looking for it but it must've went away. I went back upstairs, and saw the cat again down below. I rushed down there as Stefan was feeding it cat food from the balcony. I finally got down there and spotted it eating the food that he had thrown down. I crouched down and held out my hand showing the food I had. It come towards me, timid.
A resident below us saw what I was doing and she gratefully got us some cat food and water from her apartment. I thanked her as she could clearly see the cat was hungry. I told Stefan to come down here and look at how friendly the cat was. I noticed that it was a female cat, had claws, no collar and seemed personable. Stefan and I spent a good hour down there just petting the cat, feeding it and loving it. I felt like I needed to take care of it, an instinct to take care of one of the animals of the earth.
Stefan was wondering if we should keep it overnight. I wanted to, but something in my stomach told me not to. Partly because I was thinking of Luna and I would feel like I was betraying her if I did bring her in. It's been forever since I've seen Luna this happy and comfortable, NOT around other cats. I just couldn't bring her up. It was a weird sensation, to NOT want to keep a cat overnight. I just had this feeling that it was going to be ok and that it was grateful for the humans that showed such kindness. It was a rewarding experience that I knew was going to happen this week.

My father saved a turtle from highway this past Sunday. He saw it crawling around on the edge of the road and he knew it was going to get disoriented and head into traffic. He wanted to go save it. We parked, ran to its help and my dad picked it up. It was a little box turtle, about the size of my hand. He was heading straight into traffic and my dad ran out in the road to save it. There was a grassy area about 100 ft ahead and we placed him there to get out of harms way.

My sister aparently had a happening that weekend that a kitten was left on her doorstep, stranded. How could someone do this??? She of course took it in and saved it from the outside. She brought it back all the way to Wisconsin, saying she knows what's happens in the pound. Certain death.

If my dad could save a turtle, my sister could save a cat then I knew I was next. An animal was going to seek me out and I it, and I would have to rescue it. I knew it was going to happen. I was ready. Perhaps I'm going to have another one this week, for the incident with the cat was not nearly as heroic, but if you saw how hungry this cat was, you would think I did save it. Either way, as my dad would say, "Your Aunt Nell would be proud". It really does run in the family.

I never really knew my Aunt Nell, and what I do remember is her crazy windblown hair, her love for animals and mean bite to her voice. My dad says it's a shame that I remember her that way, and I think so too. From what he says of her, she's just the type of person that I would want to be. Sorry Aunt Nell, for my thoughts and memories of you, I know you were a good person. I hope our family has made you proud.

As for the cat, Stefan and I decided to call it Buffet. For I would put little piles of food all over the road down below, trying to get it to eat more. As soon as we sat down, it would just go pile to pile eating, as if it were in a buffet line.

I could get used to this feeling of being one with animals.

In Ohio at last...

Yes, it's true: I am in Ohio... Not gunna lie, I don't like it here. The laws are weird, the school system is weird (they go by credit hours, rather than by just credits) and I miss Wisconsin. I am sick of some of the people however, just the typical lowlifes in typical cities.

I've been having job interviews, one at a furniture store, another at a janitorial service. No luck, just bad pay. I know I can't expect it to be high wage right away, but I do have retail experience and I don't know how I can stress to other people that I'm a very hard worker. I may not be management material, and not that I want to be, but I am a damn good follower and I don't always, if ever, need to be supervised. I don't think I would like to clean for a living. I mean, I can do it at wok, just not for a living. I find solace in cleaning, but if I have to come home to a pigsty, that's the last thing I would want at the end of the day. I don't mind cleaning up after people, I just hate it when most people don't take an initiative to do something first. Why not try to help around the house, do some yard work, or dust a little? Looks aren't everything but dusting helps with allergies, vacuuming does too, and can help control bug problems....Why wouldn't you do these things? I don't know, I just like cleaning.

I have a job interview soon with a tea company. I am nervous, not about getting it, but about what it has to offer for me. I hope it is full-time (like I wanted), not bad pay, with some benefits. I know I shouldn't expect great things, but at my last job, supposedly they had good insurance and junk ( I never had to use it...), and it was retail. So, I'm not completely bat for wishing for good benefits. It's close to where we will be moving and in a good neighborhood. I will cross my fingers in hoping these things come to me. It's weird, my mom did say that something will come along and it will be great. Chinese fortune cookie or not, I hope this is my break. I am a firm believer in working hard for your money. I can do that.

It's really, really hard seeing all these statuses on facebook about how everyone is moving back to school and here I am, standing still in my time. I have to remain frozen for a year, and they can move onto better things. I don't regret moving here, I regret fucking up so badly in school. I still blame myself, who else would there be? I still see myself as a failure, a disappointment. I hate having to explain to people when they ask, "are you in school?" that I'm not. and when they ask why, I have to say I have to take a year off. I'm not the sort to lie to people. If they wanna think that I dropped out, got preggo, need to clear my thoughts, go right ahead. I know I could just lie, but in future conversation, that lie could bite my in the ass, so I don't. I want to be able to tell people that I have a degree in biological aspects of conservation and that I have a secure job. How can I defeat those odd, especially with pretty much everything against me? I don't know what to do when next year school starts....do I move back to Wisconsin? Do I find a degree down here? what if my credits don't transfer? What if I don't make the cut? What if I fail again? I am so worried about failing. Failing myself and my family. How can I live up to people that have their BA's, BS's and have successful jobs and here their daughter is failing? How can people like that, raise a child that would fail? If they can't, then is it my fault that I failed? Is it my brain?
I don't know the answers to this and it really sucks. What would I say to the college I will hopefully be attending when they ask "why did you take a year off?" What the hell do I say to that? When they ask about my grades, what do I say about it? What do I say caused my failure? I still don't know, and I want to find an answer.

I miss home. I can't wait till I see my Luna.....she's going to have a hard time adapting, but I think she will be happier with me, and he being the only cat. I miss the purr of a cat soooo much. No one here has a cat, none of his relatives....all dogs. Truth be told, I'm sick of dogs. I'm not hating the animal, nor would I ever not save one.....but I just want a cat. I am tempted to go to a pet store and just pet the cats there. I'm almost certain I will burst into tears.


I'm gone for now.

Beth....

short

I can relate to animals more than humans. Yes, humans have natural instincts and have a lot of similarities of nature, but I think we have advanced so far ahead, that our society and institutions are getting in the way of nature for us. Animals don't take pity, I admire that.

I think vegans are admirable for their self control, however I don't think throwing out every animal product of their life is really ahh out there. I do believe animals can be eaten, and it is practical. However, if the animal is being held in conditions that are devastating, then it's not practical it's just plain inhumane. I believe if the animal is treated with respect, love, enough food, open range, then I guess it's.... well...better. I couldn't ever watch it happen, and To kill it for just eating, I don't know. This whole topic is really hard to explain on what I feel exactly. If I had to, I mean HAD to eat meat, I would do it with responsibility and doing the right thing to make sure they are open range, no antibiotics and what have you. I chose not to because I don't feel right with the idea of an animal dying for me because I need to feed my fat ass.

Short blog, that's it.

Freak

Been a while since I vented myself to no one. I'm watching the Discovery Health channel and the show that's on is about PGAD, Persistant Genital Arousal Disorder. I find it terribly interesting and one of the victims, if you will, said something like "I finally found that what I suffer from has a name, that other people suffer from this also. I've been suffering from this for 6 years and felt so so alone. It takes a toll on you, you begin to feel like a freak." Those words spoke to me, except this individual knew how to describe how she felt, I can't do that.

I had my wisdom teeth out last week and have been doped up on Vicodin for about a week. Prolly have a dry socket and went to the doctor for it but he said it doesn't look or smell like a dry socket, nor does it look infected. He didn't know exactly why that spot hurt so much. His hypothesis was that it post surgery pain/healing whatever. That may be. I do grind my teeth at night and do unconsciously/subconsciously clench my jaw; perhaps it is.

I've been emotional this past week. With the moving coming up in a week and a half, I guess I feel that I'm making all the effort in the relationship, especially by packing up everything that I know and leaving. I understand why he can't move here and yes he has made a big move with proposing to me and that was good because I know I'm not moving there not knowing what's happening with us. I just almost feel like I'm going there with a blind fold. I am so so so scared. I am going to miss my cat so much, she's my baby. I can honestly say I have maternal instincts and whatnot towards her and I want to protect her as much as possible. I can't move her there without me assessing the situation first and making sure that the people I'm around aren't going to hurt, pick on, annoy or tease her. I'll be DAMNED if people feed my cat beer or human food.

To tie things together, I feel that me being so emotional is apart of me feeling like a freak. I can honestly say I have no idea why I am so emotional right now. It's not near my period, maybe it's just that there's a lot going on right now. One minute I can be fine and then I think of all the things that are going to/could possibly happen and tears run down my face. It's taking a toll on our relationship and my mental health. I hate feeling this way, I really hate it and I don't know how to treat or deal with it. I would give anything, absolutely anything to be able to communicate and understand how I feel and what I think exactly. I would love to be able to meet someone like me, that thinks and feels the same things. I would like to be able to relate to people in a way that I don't think can be possible for me. I have been searching for a term, a syndrome, a disorder to pin exactly how I am. I want to be able to tell Stefan that this is what I am, please don't leave me because I'm trying to deal with this as best as I can. I am so scared that he is going to leave me because he can't put up with me anymore. I can barely put up with myself. I get irritated so easily, probably because I can't understand myself and want others to help me. I guess, I really don't know. Just when I thought I heard it all, I get tired of people offering me the same advice: "Go exercise, do art, play your flute, take a walk, volunteer, do yoga, get back into tae kwon do" They are telling me to keep my mind preoccupied and my body busy basically. I get irritated that I can't do things, like play a piece on the flute correctly, or can't exercise as much because my hips hurt, so I get angry and pissed off, so I cry. I am just a mess. I am on so many pills, I want to be off of them. I want to be mentally and physically healthy. I want to be ok so others don't get tired of hearing me complain, or get sick of just being around me. I want to be strong, but it's hard when you don't have anyone to compare yourself to.

I want to hear that someone out there worries of the world ending and I don't mean 12.21.2012, but just in general. The fact that I can't have control over that. Maybe that's why I get so irritated with myself and others, because I can't control these things and I get pissed off because I'd really like to just be happy and I know damn well that they don't deserve to deal with me. I feel like a burden on most people. I really do feel like a freak. I have so much hope and passion and love, but it's just so hard to get it out in a productive way.

I want to know that things are ok. I want to have some control of my future and to know what will happen. I don't know why I need to have control over so many things. I can't even let my family clean the house because they can't do it right. They aren't thorough and don't kill the germs. I am a germ-o-phobe, but not in a too debilitating state. I clean because it's one thing that I can control in my life and I can see the results instantly.

I live in a pigsty. If I didn't clean here, no one would. My dad doesn't clean his room. He's a conservative and has the mentality of "if it's fine on the outside, then who cares what's on the inside; even if it is a mess". I dusted his room a couple days ago and it was just coated with dust. It's sad. He's so bent on having the rest of the house clean, but he won't clean his room, garage or basement. Mom's clothes are still in there, layers of dust on them and his walk-in-closet isn't very walk-in anymore. He needs to let go. I shouldn't worry about it, but he needs to fucking realize he can't yell at us for not cleaning up our dishes when his room is a fucking pigsty or the fact that he has a closet full of my mom's clothes from the 90's. I want to so badly just pack it all up and take it to goodwill, but if he freaked out from me throwing away powdered potatoes, he'll go postal.

Please, I can't worry this much for bad things to happen. I'm crying as I type this; I need to be comforted. Please!

Just stuff.

So, I'm watching Maury right now and they have a segment right before the show starts after a commercial break, where you can call in and give your 2 cents to a question that is being asked. The question today was "Should public nudity be legalized?" Got me thinking about, well, why not? Why all have the same thing going on, for the most part we will all look like the adults sooner or later. I think it's just the fucking brainwashing of the church and government. Pure right winged, republican, church humping assholes that aren't comfortable with anything about themselves so they have to bring everyone down so they don't look completely insane and with no valid reason. Sure, clothes can/should be worn when the weather is suitable, or if you even WANT to. I also understand that some people would be weary because of sexual predators and whatnot, but clearly, clothes don't stop them in the first place.

Recently went to Ohio and had a great time. I seriously did feel really bad that I couldn't pay for anything =\. I went there out of no where. Just decided to go. We went to a thrift store and looked for stuff for the apartment, we found a dish set for $22! It was a really amazing feeling knowing that WE are getting OUR stuff TOGETHER. It was a nice bonding thing. When I get a job and can get more money, I want to pay for things, good things for him and for us. We both deserve it I think we've been through enough of being away from each other and enough pain from the frustration. We've grown a lot and that is comforting.

I'm excited. It's a new chapter

Just one big fuck up

I failed. Horribly. I thought my passion, my strong drive to do good for the earth, would pull me through. I thought this would be the real deal. Unfortunately some of my best work wasn't good enough. I tried so fucking hard and it got me no where. Such a pity too because I learned a lot while I was there, I just couldn't apply it apparently. I learned a lot of ways of thinking, and I am grateful for that. I am much more aware of others' feelings, even though I hate people. I suppose this is a good thing, that was supposed to happy maybe. I think the notion of "everything happens for a reason" is just a comfort thing, not the actual absence of free will. I don't really know what I believe, and that kind of sucks when I'm trying to explain my thought process to others. I'm so frustrated with myself, I'm so disappointed in myself, I'm so sick of myself. I didn't have a backup plan, like most would have. I was even warned, but I didn't listen because I felt like I could do it because I feel like this is why I'm alive. My will wasn't strong enough and that is coming to me as a big shock.

What am I going to do? Most legitimate places require someone to have a BS/BA in order to even touch tigers. How am I going to explain myself to jobs? That " oh yeah, btw, I can't do this and this because I dropped out of school"??? I don't do extracurricular activities and I don't volunteer. I guess I could change that, but I can't volunteer at an animal shelter, I can't work at the zoo because I don't live in that county. I suppose I could say I live with my mom, but I really, really hate lying. The nearest tiger sanctuary is about an hour away and I'll be damned if I commute there everyday to work. Even then, if I do, I don't have a chance to move up in the place because I don't have a fucking degree because I fucking suck. An associates isn't going to get you places. I fucked up, big time.

I'm trying to figure out what went wrong this past year, and I honestly can say that there really isn't a good reason. and that scares me. Am I just too dumb to figure this shit out? Am I LD? Could it be because I had a roommate and not my own room (which I am used to)? I am on new medicine, and I don't know how to test it to see if it works. I can't study to see if I'm distracted, I don't know how to figure out if it works. I think I have noticed that my thoughts are less jumbled. Yes, they still raced but I can somewhat sort through them with some clarity.

If I were to appeal the process, I would need a damn good reason to tell them why I sucked so badly. I have nothing to tell them. Which is why I think it's best to just take a year off and really take a look at what the hell I'm doing with myself.

I think moving to Ohio would give me some perspective on things. I don't know how, but I just have a gut feeling. (yeah, that's worked out well with me in the past) Plus, it could show us (me and stef) how things would work if we were to be together. People are skeptical about us, and they have every right to be. I am scared for us too, but I love him with all my heart, even with all the fighting. I feel like we really are meant for each other.

On a separate note, is it bad to just be totally annoyed by your sibling? I mean, just utterly pissed off just at the thought of them, disgusted at the sight of them, and angry just by their presence? Seriously, I just can't stand her. She is so fucking smart but doesn't have the common sense and can't apply herself in a sensible way. I guess that's why I'm so angry at her, she has the smarts and doesn't do anything with them, while I worked my ass off and couldn't achieve shit. That, and she's just annoying as fuck. She's almost 25 and lives at home and doesn't do shit. It's just so fucking annoying.

This whole situation with everything just makes me even more angry at life and myself. I have such bad anger issues, I just don't know how to fix it. Sometimes I feel like I have a glimmer of hope in releasing that anger, but it comes right back. I really don't know. I'm so unsure about everything now. I don't know what to do, where to go or how to achieve what I feel I was put on this earth for. I don't want to work at a place with no degree, and no be able to move up and get better money. I need the money, I'm not a cheap person! Meds, loans, animals.... I'm so scared. So so so scared.


B