Yes, it's true: I am in Ohio... Not gunna lie, I don't like it here. The laws are weird, the school system is weird (they go by credit hours, rather than by just credits) and I miss Wisconsin. I am sick of some of the people however, just the typical lowlifes in typical cities.
I've been having job interviews, one at a furniture store, another at a janitorial service. No luck, just bad pay. I know I can't expect it to be high wage right away, but I do have retail experience and I don't know how I can stress to other people that I'm a very hard worker. I may not be management material, and not that I want to be, but I am a damn good follower and I don't always, if ever, need to be supervised. I don't think I would like to clean for a living. I mean, I can do it at wok, just not for a living. I find solace in cleaning, but if I have to come home to a pigsty, that's the last thing I would want at the end of the day. I don't mind cleaning up after people, I just hate it when most people don't take an initiative to do something first. Why not try to help around the house, do some yard work, or dust a little? Looks aren't everything but dusting helps with allergies, vacuuming does too, and can help control bug problems....Why wouldn't you do these things? I don't know, I just like cleaning.
I have a job interview soon with a tea company. I am nervous, not about getting it, but about what it has to offer for me. I hope it is full-time (like I wanted), not bad pay, with some benefits. I know I shouldn't expect great things, but at my last job, supposedly they had good insurance and junk ( I never had to use it...), and it was retail. So, I'm not completely bat for wishing for good benefits. It's close to where we will be moving and in a good neighborhood. I will cross my fingers in hoping these things come to me. It's weird, my mom did say that something will come along and it will be great. Chinese fortune cookie or not, I hope this is my break. I am a firm believer in working hard for your money. I can do that.
It's really, really hard seeing all these statuses on facebook about how everyone is moving back to school and here I am, standing still in my time. I have to remain frozen for a year, and they can move onto better things. I don't regret moving here, I regret fucking up so badly in school. I still blame myself, who else would there be? I still see myself as a failure, a disappointment. I hate having to explain to people when they ask, "are you in school?" that I'm not. and when they ask why, I have to say I have to take a year off. I'm not the sort to lie to people. If they wanna think that I dropped out, got preggo, need to clear my thoughts, go right ahead. I know I could just lie, but in future conversation, that lie could bite my in the ass, so I don't. I want to be able to tell people that I have a degree in biological aspects of conservation and that I have a secure job. How can I defeat those odd, especially with pretty much everything against me? I don't know what to do when next year school starts....do I move back to Wisconsin? Do I find a degree down here? what if my credits don't transfer? What if I don't make the cut? What if I fail again? I am so worried about failing. Failing myself and my family. How can I live up to people that have their BA's, BS's and have successful jobs and here their daughter is failing? How can people like that, raise a child that would fail? If they can't, then is it my fault that I failed? Is it my brain?
I don't know the answers to this and it really sucks. What would I say to the college I will hopefully be attending when they ask "why did you take a year off?" What the hell do I say to that? When they ask about my grades, what do I say about it? What do I say caused my failure? I still don't know, and I want to find an answer.
I miss home. I can't wait till I see my Luna.....she's going to have a hard time adapting, but I think she will be happier with me, and he being the only cat. I miss the purr of a cat soooo much. No one here has a cat, none of his relatives....all dogs. Truth be told, I'm sick of dogs. I'm not hating the animal, nor would I ever not save one.....but I just want a cat. I am tempted to go to a pet store and just pet the cats there. I'm almost certain I will burst into tears.
I'm gone for now.
Beth....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
short
I can relate to animals more than humans. Yes, humans have natural instincts and have a lot of similarities of nature, but I think we have advanced so far ahead, that our society and institutions are getting in the way of nature for us. Animals don't take pity, I admire that.
I think vegans are admirable for their self control, however I don't think throwing out every animal product of their life is really ahh out there. I do believe animals can be eaten, and it is practical. However, if the animal is being held in conditions that are devastating, then it's not practical it's just plain inhumane. I believe if the animal is treated with respect, love, enough food, open range, then I guess it's.... well...better. I couldn't ever watch it happen, and To kill it for just eating, I don't know. This whole topic is really hard to explain on what I feel exactly. If I had to, I mean HAD to eat meat, I would do it with responsibility and doing the right thing to make sure they are open range, no antibiotics and what have you. I chose not to because I don't feel right with the idea of an animal dying for me because I need to feed my fat ass.
Short blog, that's it.
I think vegans are admirable for their self control, however I don't think throwing out every animal product of their life is really ahh out there. I do believe animals can be eaten, and it is practical. However, if the animal is being held in conditions that are devastating, then it's not practical it's just plain inhumane. I believe if the animal is treated with respect, love, enough food, open range, then I guess it's.... well...better. I couldn't ever watch it happen, and To kill it for just eating, I don't know. This whole topic is really hard to explain on what I feel exactly. If I had to, I mean HAD to eat meat, I would do it with responsibility and doing the right thing to make sure they are open range, no antibiotics and what have you. I chose not to because I don't feel right with the idea of an animal dying for me because I need to feed my fat ass.
Short blog, that's it.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Freak
Been a while since I vented myself to no one. I'm watching the Discovery Health channel and the show that's on is about PGAD, Persistant Genital Arousal Disorder. I find it terribly interesting and one of the victims, if you will, said something like "I finally found that what I suffer from has a name, that other people suffer from this also. I've been suffering from this for 6 years and felt so so alone. It takes a toll on you, you begin to feel like a freak." Those words spoke to me, except this individual knew how to describe how she felt, I can't do that.
I had my wisdom teeth out last week and have been doped up on Vicodin for about a week. Prolly have a dry socket and went to the doctor for it but he said it doesn't look or smell like a dry socket, nor does it look infected. He didn't know exactly why that spot hurt so much. His hypothesis was that it post surgery pain/healing whatever. That may be. I do grind my teeth at night and do unconsciously/subconsciously clench my jaw; perhaps it is.
I've been emotional this past week. With the moving coming up in a week and a half, I guess I feel that I'm making all the effort in the relationship, especially by packing up everything that I know and leaving. I understand why he can't move here and yes he has made a big move with proposing to me and that was good because I know I'm not moving there not knowing what's happening with us. I just almost feel like I'm going there with a blind fold. I am so so so scared. I am going to miss my cat so much, she's my baby. I can honestly say I have maternal instincts and whatnot towards her and I want to protect her as much as possible. I can't move her there without me assessing the situation first and making sure that the people I'm around aren't going to hurt, pick on, annoy or tease her. I'll be DAMNED if people feed my cat beer or human food.
To tie things together, I feel that me being so emotional is apart of me feeling like a freak. I can honestly say I have no idea why I am so emotional right now. It's not near my period, maybe it's just that there's a lot going on right now. One minute I can be fine and then I think of all the things that are going to/could possibly happen and tears run down my face. It's taking a toll on our relationship and my mental health. I hate feeling this way, I really hate it and I don't know how to treat or deal with it. I would give anything, absolutely anything to be able to communicate and understand how I feel and what I think exactly. I would love to be able to meet someone like me, that thinks and feels the same things. I would like to be able to relate to people in a way that I don't think can be possible for me. I have been searching for a term, a syndrome, a disorder to pin exactly how I am. I want to be able to tell Stefan that this is what I am, please don't leave me because I'm trying to deal with this as best as I can. I am so scared that he is going to leave me because he can't put up with me anymore. I can barely put up with myself. I get irritated so easily, probably because I can't understand myself and want others to help me. I guess, I really don't know. Just when I thought I heard it all, I get tired of people offering me the same advice: "Go exercise, do art, play your flute, take a walk, volunteer, do yoga, get back into tae kwon do" They are telling me to keep my mind preoccupied and my body busy basically. I get irritated that I can't do things, like play a piece on the flute correctly, or can't exercise as much because my hips hurt, so I get angry and pissed off, so I cry. I am just a mess. I am on so many pills, I want to be off of them. I want to be mentally and physically healthy. I want to be ok so others don't get tired of hearing me complain, or get sick of just being around me. I want to be strong, but it's hard when you don't have anyone to compare yourself to.
I want to hear that someone out there worries of the world ending and I don't mean 12.21.2012, but just in general. The fact that I can't have control over that. Maybe that's why I get so irritated with myself and others, because I can't control these things and I get pissed off because I'd really like to just be happy and I know damn well that they don't deserve to deal with me. I feel like a burden on most people. I really do feel like a freak. I have so much hope and passion and love, but it's just so hard to get it out in a productive way.
I want to know that things are ok. I want to have some control of my future and to know what will happen. I don't know why I need to have control over so many things. I can't even let my family clean the house because they can't do it right. They aren't thorough and don't kill the germs. I am a germ-o-phobe, but not in a too debilitating state. I clean because it's one thing that I can control in my life and I can see the results instantly.
I live in a pigsty. If I didn't clean here, no one would. My dad doesn't clean his room. He's a conservative and has the mentality of "if it's fine on the outside, then who cares what's on the inside; even if it is a mess". I dusted his room a couple days ago and it was just coated with dust. It's sad. He's so bent on having the rest of the house clean, but he won't clean his room, garage or basement. Mom's clothes are still in there, layers of dust on them and his walk-in-closet isn't very walk-in anymore. He needs to let go. I shouldn't worry about it, but he needs to fucking realize he can't yell at us for not cleaning up our dishes when his room is a fucking pigsty or the fact that he has a closet full of my mom's clothes from the 90's. I want to so badly just pack it all up and take it to goodwill, but if he freaked out from me throwing away powdered potatoes, he'll go postal.
Please, I can't worry this much for bad things to happen. I'm crying as I type this; I need to be comforted. Please!
I had my wisdom teeth out last week and have been doped up on Vicodin for about a week. Prolly have a dry socket and went to the doctor for it but he said it doesn't look or smell like a dry socket, nor does it look infected. He didn't know exactly why that spot hurt so much. His hypothesis was that it post surgery pain/healing whatever. That may be. I do grind my teeth at night and do unconsciously/subconsciously clench my jaw; perhaps it is.
I've been emotional this past week. With the moving coming up in a week and a half, I guess I feel that I'm making all the effort in the relationship, especially by packing up everything that I know and leaving. I understand why he can't move here and yes he has made a big move with proposing to me and that was good because I know I'm not moving there not knowing what's happening with us. I just almost feel like I'm going there with a blind fold. I am so so so scared. I am going to miss my cat so much, she's my baby. I can honestly say I have maternal instincts and whatnot towards her and I want to protect her as much as possible. I can't move her there without me assessing the situation first and making sure that the people I'm around aren't going to hurt, pick on, annoy or tease her. I'll be DAMNED if people feed my cat beer or human food.
To tie things together, I feel that me being so emotional is apart of me feeling like a freak. I can honestly say I have no idea why I am so emotional right now. It's not near my period, maybe it's just that there's a lot going on right now. One minute I can be fine and then I think of all the things that are going to/could possibly happen and tears run down my face. It's taking a toll on our relationship and my mental health. I hate feeling this way, I really hate it and I don't know how to treat or deal with it. I would give anything, absolutely anything to be able to communicate and understand how I feel and what I think exactly. I would love to be able to meet someone like me, that thinks and feels the same things. I would like to be able to relate to people in a way that I don't think can be possible for me. I have been searching for a term, a syndrome, a disorder to pin exactly how I am. I want to be able to tell Stefan that this is what I am, please don't leave me because I'm trying to deal with this as best as I can. I am so scared that he is going to leave me because he can't put up with me anymore. I can barely put up with myself. I get irritated so easily, probably because I can't understand myself and want others to help me. I guess, I really don't know. Just when I thought I heard it all, I get tired of people offering me the same advice: "Go exercise, do art, play your flute, take a walk, volunteer, do yoga, get back into tae kwon do" They are telling me to keep my mind preoccupied and my body busy basically. I get irritated that I can't do things, like play a piece on the flute correctly, or can't exercise as much because my hips hurt, so I get angry and pissed off, so I cry. I am just a mess. I am on so many pills, I want to be off of them. I want to be mentally and physically healthy. I want to be ok so others don't get tired of hearing me complain, or get sick of just being around me. I want to be strong, but it's hard when you don't have anyone to compare yourself to.
I want to hear that someone out there worries of the world ending and I don't mean 12.21.2012, but just in general. The fact that I can't have control over that. Maybe that's why I get so irritated with myself and others, because I can't control these things and I get pissed off because I'd really like to just be happy and I know damn well that they don't deserve to deal with me. I feel like a burden on most people. I really do feel like a freak. I have so much hope and passion and love, but it's just so hard to get it out in a productive way.
I want to know that things are ok. I want to have some control of my future and to know what will happen. I don't know why I need to have control over so many things. I can't even let my family clean the house because they can't do it right. They aren't thorough and don't kill the germs. I am a germ-o-phobe, but not in a too debilitating state. I clean because it's one thing that I can control in my life and I can see the results instantly.
I live in a pigsty. If I didn't clean here, no one would. My dad doesn't clean his room. He's a conservative and has the mentality of "if it's fine on the outside, then who cares what's on the inside; even if it is a mess". I dusted his room a couple days ago and it was just coated with dust. It's sad. He's so bent on having the rest of the house clean, but he won't clean his room, garage or basement. Mom's clothes are still in there, layers of dust on them and his walk-in-closet isn't very walk-in anymore. He needs to let go. I shouldn't worry about it, but he needs to fucking realize he can't yell at us for not cleaning up our dishes when his room is a fucking pigsty or the fact that he has a closet full of my mom's clothes from the 90's. I want to so badly just pack it all up and take it to goodwill, but if he freaked out from me throwing away powdered potatoes, he'll go postal.
Please, I can't worry this much for bad things to happen. I'm crying as I type this; I need to be comforted. Please!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Just stuff.
So, I'm watching Maury right now and they have a segment right before the show starts after a commercial break, where you can call in and give your 2 cents to a question that is being asked. The question today was "Should public nudity be legalized?" Got me thinking about, well, why not? Why all have the same thing going on, for the most part we will all look like the adults sooner or later. I think it's just the fucking brainwashing of the church and government. Pure right winged, republican, church humping assholes that aren't comfortable with anything about themselves so they have to bring everyone down so they don't look completely insane and with no valid reason. Sure, clothes can/should be worn when the weather is suitable, or if you even WANT to. I also understand that some people would be weary because of sexual predators and whatnot, but clearly, clothes don't stop them in the first place.
Recently went to Ohio and had a great time. I seriously did feel really bad that I couldn't pay for anything =\. I went there out of no where. Just decided to go. We went to a thrift store and looked for stuff for the apartment, we found a dish set for $22! It was a really amazing feeling knowing that WE are getting OUR stuff TOGETHER. It was a nice bonding thing. When I get a job and can get more money, I want to pay for things, good things for him and for us. We both deserve it I think we've been through enough of being away from each other and enough pain from the frustration. We've grown a lot and that is comforting.
I'm excited. It's a new chapter
Recently went to Ohio and had a great time. I seriously did feel really bad that I couldn't pay for anything =\. I went there out of no where. Just decided to go. We went to a thrift store and looked for stuff for the apartment, we found a dish set for $22! It was a really amazing feeling knowing that WE are getting OUR stuff TOGETHER. It was a nice bonding thing. When I get a job and can get more money, I want to pay for things, good things for him and for us. We both deserve it I think we've been through enough of being away from each other and enough pain from the frustration. We've grown a lot and that is comforting.
I'm excited. It's a new chapter
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Just one big fuck up
I failed. Horribly. I thought my passion, my strong drive to do good for the earth, would pull me through. I thought this would be the real deal. Unfortunately some of my best work wasn't good enough. I tried so fucking hard and it got me no where. Such a pity too because I learned a lot while I was there, I just couldn't apply it apparently. I learned a lot of ways of thinking, and I am grateful for that. I am much more aware of others' feelings, even though I hate people. I suppose this is a good thing, that was supposed to happy maybe. I think the notion of "everything happens for a reason" is just a comfort thing, not the actual absence of free will. I don't really know what I believe, and that kind of sucks when I'm trying to explain my thought process to others. I'm so frustrated with myself, I'm so disappointed in myself, I'm so sick of myself. I didn't have a backup plan, like most would have. I was even warned, but I didn't listen because I felt like I could do it because I feel like this is why I'm alive. My will wasn't strong enough and that is coming to me as a big shock.
What am I going to do? Most legitimate places require someone to have a BS/BA in order to even touch tigers. How am I going to explain myself to jobs? That " oh yeah, btw, I can't do this and this because I dropped out of school"??? I don't do extracurricular activities and I don't volunteer. I guess I could change that, but I can't volunteer at an animal shelter, I can't work at the zoo because I don't live in that county. I suppose I could say I live with my mom, but I really, really hate lying. The nearest tiger sanctuary is about an hour away and I'll be damned if I commute there everyday to work. Even then, if I do, I don't have a chance to move up in the place because I don't have a fucking degree because I fucking suck. An associates isn't going to get you places. I fucked up, big time.
I'm trying to figure out what went wrong this past year, and I honestly can say that there really isn't a good reason. and that scares me. Am I just too dumb to figure this shit out? Am I LD? Could it be because I had a roommate and not my own room (which I am used to)? I am on new medicine, and I don't know how to test it to see if it works. I can't study to see if I'm distracted, I don't know how to figure out if it works. I think I have noticed that my thoughts are less jumbled. Yes, they still raced but I can somewhat sort through them with some clarity.
If I were to appeal the process, I would need a damn good reason to tell them why I sucked so badly. I have nothing to tell them. Which is why I think it's best to just take a year off and really take a look at what the hell I'm doing with myself.
I think moving to Ohio would give me some perspective on things. I don't know how, but I just have a gut feeling. (yeah, that's worked out well with me in the past) Plus, it could show us (me and stef) how things would work if we were to be together. People are skeptical about us, and they have every right to be. I am scared for us too, but I love him with all my heart, even with all the fighting. I feel like we really are meant for each other.
On a separate note, is it bad to just be totally annoyed by your sibling? I mean, just utterly pissed off just at the thought of them, disgusted at the sight of them, and angry just by their presence? Seriously, I just can't stand her. She is so fucking smart but doesn't have the common sense and can't apply herself in a sensible way. I guess that's why I'm so angry at her, she has the smarts and doesn't do anything with them, while I worked my ass off and couldn't achieve shit. That, and she's just annoying as fuck. She's almost 25 and lives at home and doesn't do shit. It's just so fucking annoying.
This whole situation with everything just makes me even more angry at life and myself. I have such bad anger issues, I just don't know how to fix it. Sometimes I feel like I have a glimmer of hope in releasing that anger, but it comes right back. I really don't know. I'm so unsure about everything now. I don't know what to do, where to go or how to achieve what I feel I was put on this earth for. I don't want to work at a place with no degree, and no be able to move up and get better money. I need the money, I'm not a cheap person! Meds, loans, animals.... I'm so scared. So so so scared.
B
What am I going to do? Most legitimate places require someone to have a BS/BA in order to even touch tigers. How am I going to explain myself to jobs? That " oh yeah, btw, I can't do this and this because I dropped out of school"??? I don't do extracurricular activities and I don't volunteer. I guess I could change that, but I can't volunteer at an animal shelter, I can't work at the zoo because I don't live in that county. I suppose I could say I live with my mom, but I really, really hate lying. The nearest tiger sanctuary is about an hour away and I'll be damned if I commute there everyday to work. Even then, if I do, I don't have a chance to move up in the place because I don't have a fucking degree because I fucking suck. An associates isn't going to get you places. I fucked up, big time.
I'm trying to figure out what went wrong this past year, and I honestly can say that there really isn't a good reason. and that scares me. Am I just too dumb to figure this shit out? Am I LD? Could it be because I had a roommate and not my own room (which I am used to)? I am on new medicine, and I don't know how to test it to see if it works. I can't study to see if I'm distracted, I don't know how to figure out if it works. I think I have noticed that my thoughts are less jumbled. Yes, they still raced but I can somewhat sort through them with some clarity.
If I were to appeal the process, I would need a damn good reason to tell them why I sucked so badly. I have nothing to tell them. Which is why I think it's best to just take a year off and really take a look at what the hell I'm doing with myself.
I think moving to Ohio would give me some perspective on things. I don't know how, but I just have a gut feeling. (yeah, that's worked out well with me in the past) Plus, it could show us (me and stef) how things would work if we were to be together. People are skeptical about us, and they have every right to be. I am scared for us too, but I love him with all my heart, even with all the fighting. I feel like we really are meant for each other.
On a separate note, is it bad to just be totally annoyed by your sibling? I mean, just utterly pissed off just at the thought of them, disgusted at the sight of them, and angry just by their presence? Seriously, I just can't stand her. She is so fucking smart but doesn't have the common sense and can't apply herself in a sensible way. I guess that's why I'm so angry at her, she has the smarts and doesn't do anything with them, while I worked my ass off and couldn't achieve shit. That, and she's just annoying as fuck. She's almost 25 and lives at home and doesn't do shit. It's just so fucking annoying.
This whole situation with everything just makes me even more angry at life and myself. I have such bad anger issues, I just don't know how to fix it. Sometimes I feel like I have a glimmer of hope in releasing that anger, but it comes right back. I really don't know. I'm so unsure about everything now. I don't know what to do, where to go or how to achieve what I feel I was put on this earth for. I don't want to work at a place with no degree, and no be able to move up and get better money. I need the money, I'm not a cheap person! Meds, loans, animals.... I'm so scared. So so so scared.
B
Monday, May 3, 2010
Proud to be a tree hugger.
School is almost done! Can't fucking wait, I am so sick of this shithole. I just want to wake up to my cats everyday, that's all.
I'm not even going to talk about the ex. I just don't want to get into it.
In Geo lab, we had a quiz, got back our papers (which, btw, I got a 27/30 on!), and watched a movie on glaciers and how they are receding. Jesus fucking christ, I hate watching shit like that. It gets me so anxious and depressed and hopeless. I am seriously losing hope for this planet and that scares me. I never thought I would lose hope or passion for this earth. I love this earth so fucking much, that it just hurts to see the inhabitants knowingly hurt it as it provides life for them. It's absolutely awful. Now, I'm not saying go completely radical and don't use any energy at all, because that isn't feasible. Turn off the lights, car pool, get off your fat ass and walk, bike, buy local, turn off the faucet when brushing your teeth and rarely use airconditioning or the thermostat. I feel so, so, so bad that we are hurting this place and it really makes me want to cry. Am I being too emotional or crazy? Maybe I'm the only one that thinks/feels this and I would start a 2nd revolution. Fuck, I just don't know. After watching the movie I seriously, not going to lie, had thoughts of just dying. What's the fucking point of living if it's happening at such an alarming rate, species are becoming extinct faster than the back rate, people are greedy and have little self control. I mean, it's a really cheap way out, yeah, but this monstrosity of an issue just overwhelms me and makes me panic that I'm going to die via the world ending, while I'm alive. That right there is my fucking biggest fear! If the world is going to end, yeah, I can't stop it, but the rate at which it is going to happen, seems to be while I'm alive and I just have to take it up the ass and watch it happen before my eyes.
Yeah, one person can change the world, and I wanna be that one person. I don't know how to go about it, but I have a belief that it'll come in good time.Perhaps I'm just in a delusion of irrational thinking because this is what happens in movies. I just want to help the earth. And honestly, like George Carlin said, the world is going to fix itself no matter what. This is somewhat hopeful. The world isn't going to cease to exist (until it burns up from the fucking sun); it may cease to have life on it. But then evolution and millions of years take place and soon enough a new life has begun. Nature has a way of fixing things in her own way, it just takes a long, long time (she is old, afterall). I must say, all these natural disasters are a delight, people dying and suffering, as if she is scolding humanity for destroying her. It's like a nice spanking or a warning not to fuck with her. Maybe, earth knows just who really cares for her and who doesn't, she will take out all the people that have truly wronged her (oil companies, construction workers, loggers, greedy motherfuckers). She should clean her slate.
I don't want this to sound diabolical, it's just that I really fucking hate humanity. I'm not going to go do some genocide (is that the right verb???), or hurt humans, I just want mother nature to =). There are only a handful of people that I can truly tolerate and those are the people that can understand me and my demented thinking. Humans take, take, take, and we give awful things back. I am almost ashamed to be a human in this era. I just want to lie on the ground and hug the earth and say, "I am soooo sorry".
This whole rant seems really fucked up, and well, maybe it is. It's how I think and it's a radical thought. I want nature to stop being hurt, I want people to tread lightly, I want a big wake up call for mankind, I want people to be as educated on the subject as I am, I want passion and desire to help the earth from other people.
Anyway, I was searching for sea glass with Meghan and we have been finding fossils. It's a beautiful thing, really. To hold something and REALLY know that it's millions of years old, is an incredible feeling. Granted, the earth beneath us is old, but we don't truly grasp it until we dig deep and find evidence, per se. Over the week, there was Mifflin and these two drunk fucks holding beer cans stumbled onto the beach where we were searching for glass/fossils and one of the idiots threw his FUCKING BEER CAN INTO THE LAKE! WHATTHEFUCK!?!?! SERIOUSLY!?!?!? The other assfuck followed his lead and also threw his into the lake. Feeling the wrath of nature I spoke up and said, "DON'T FUCKING LITTER!!!". One of the guys said, "I'm just returning it to nature!" I said, "NO YOU FUCKING AREN'T!". He proceeded to throw a rock at me through the trees and obviously didn't hit us. Are we really this far behind in times that we THROW BEER CANS INTO THE LAKE AND THINK IT'S GOING BACK TO NATURE?!??!?! I wanted to rant to him how aluminum isn't found in nature as a beer can and that he was a worthless piece of shit that deserves to be beheaded. Drunk or not, that is fucking unacceptable. I would've swam and got them, but the water was at least 35 deg F. Annnd they were floating away pretty quickly. I'm sorry mother nature, I tried =( If I saw him drowning in the lake, I wouldn't give him my eyes. I would keep walking and be happy that he got what he deserved. Kinda mean, butttttt what he did was what a 3 year old would do and the parents would scold it.
Sorry mom,
Beth.
I'm not even going to talk about the ex. I just don't want to get into it.
In Geo lab, we had a quiz, got back our papers (which, btw, I got a 27/30 on!), and watched a movie on glaciers and how they are receding. Jesus fucking christ, I hate watching shit like that. It gets me so anxious and depressed and hopeless. I am seriously losing hope for this planet and that scares me. I never thought I would lose hope or passion for this earth. I love this earth so fucking much, that it just hurts to see the inhabitants knowingly hurt it as it provides life for them. It's absolutely awful. Now, I'm not saying go completely radical and don't use any energy at all, because that isn't feasible. Turn off the lights, car pool, get off your fat ass and walk, bike, buy local, turn off the faucet when brushing your teeth and rarely use airconditioning or the thermostat. I feel so, so, so bad that we are hurting this place and it really makes me want to cry. Am I being too emotional or crazy? Maybe I'm the only one that thinks/feels this and I would start a 2nd revolution. Fuck, I just don't know. After watching the movie I seriously, not going to lie, had thoughts of just dying. What's the fucking point of living if it's happening at such an alarming rate, species are becoming extinct faster than the back rate, people are greedy and have little self control. I mean, it's a really cheap way out, yeah, but this monstrosity of an issue just overwhelms me and makes me panic that I'm going to die via the world ending, while I'm alive. That right there is my fucking biggest fear! If the world is going to end, yeah, I can't stop it, but the rate at which it is going to happen, seems to be while I'm alive and I just have to take it up the ass and watch it happen before my eyes.
Yeah, one person can change the world, and I wanna be that one person. I don't know how to go about it, but I have a belief that it'll come in good time.Perhaps I'm just in a delusion of irrational thinking because this is what happens in movies. I just want to help the earth. And honestly, like George Carlin said, the world is going to fix itself no matter what. This is somewhat hopeful. The world isn't going to cease to exist (until it burns up from the fucking sun); it may cease to have life on it. But then evolution and millions of years take place and soon enough a new life has begun. Nature has a way of fixing things in her own way, it just takes a long, long time (she is old, afterall). I must say, all these natural disasters are a delight, people dying and suffering, as if she is scolding humanity for destroying her. It's like a nice spanking or a warning not to fuck with her. Maybe, earth knows just who really cares for her and who doesn't, she will take out all the people that have truly wronged her (oil companies, construction workers, loggers, greedy motherfuckers). She should clean her slate.
I don't want this to sound diabolical, it's just that I really fucking hate humanity. I'm not going to go do some genocide (is that the right verb???), or hurt humans, I just want mother nature to =). There are only a handful of people that I can truly tolerate and those are the people that can understand me and my demented thinking. Humans take, take, take, and we give awful things back. I am almost ashamed to be a human in this era. I just want to lie on the ground and hug the earth and say, "I am soooo sorry".
This whole rant seems really fucked up, and well, maybe it is. It's how I think and it's a radical thought. I want nature to stop being hurt, I want people to tread lightly, I want a big wake up call for mankind, I want people to be as educated on the subject as I am, I want passion and desire to help the earth from other people.
Anyway, I was searching for sea glass with Meghan and we have been finding fossils. It's a beautiful thing, really. To hold something and REALLY know that it's millions of years old, is an incredible feeling. Granted, the earth beneath us is old, but we don't truly grasp it until we dig deep and find evidence, per se. Over the week, there was Mifflin and these two drunk fucks holding beer cans stumbled onto the beach where we were searching for glass/fossils and one of the idiots threw his FUCKING BEER CAN INTO THE LAKE! WHATTHEFUCK!?!?! SERIOUSLY!?!?!? The other assfuck followed his lead and also threw his into the lake. Feeling the wrath of nature I spoke up and said, "DON'T FUCKING LITTER!!!". One of the guys said, "I'm just returning it to nature!" I said, "NO YOU FUCKING AREN'T!". He proceeded to throw a rock at me through the trees and obviously didn't hit us. Are we really this far behind in times that we THROW BEER CANS INTO THE LAKE AND THINK IT'S GOING BACK TO NATURE?!??!?! I wanted to rant to him how aluminum isn't found in nature as a beer can and that he was a worthless piece of shit that deserves to be beheaded. Drunk or not, that is fucking unacceptable. I would've swam and got them, but the water was at least 35 deg F. Annnd they were floating away pretty quickly. I'm sorry mother nature, I tried =( If I saw him drowning in the lake, I wouldn't give him my eyes. I would keep walking and be happy that he got what he deserved. Kinda mean, butttttt what he did was what a 3 year old would do and the parents would scold it.
Sorry mom,
Beth.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Altering
So, I can't sleep. Mind is thinking too much of stupid shit that won't matter if i think about it or not. I'm watching sappy romance movies and just reminiscing of good times. For some reason, I was looking at msn.com, and I was lead to this page of "10 reasons guy's aren't approaching you".
=|
Really? ok. Here are the reasons:
1. You're Surrounded by Lots (I mean LOTS) of Friends
=|
Really? ok. Here are the reasons:
1. You're Surrounded by Lots (I mean LOTS) of Friends
When girls are in a group, I know that I'm going to be evaluated as soon as I walk away. It's tough enough to walk up to one girl, let alone a group.
2. You're Too Hot
If she's super hot, sometimes I assume I have no chance or I'm just plain intimidated. Most guys will give it the old college try though. This, by the way, is the best reason for your ego why guys aren't approaching: "I'm just so hot I'm intimidating."
3. Getting Too Tipsy
One night, we were out and a girl intermittently stood up on the seat of her booth and did stripper-type dances. The guys in the bar looked, but never approached. It's tough to approach a whirling dervish and no one could take her seriously. And sometimes the "too drunk" girl gets approached by guys who are interested in one thing only.
4. Looking Sloppy
I don't usually approach girls who don't look stylish and put together. Now, if you want to keep guys away from you, doing the celeb in public homeless look might be a good strategy.
5. Downer Demeanor
Smiling and eye contact is inviting, while anger, and looking like you're too good for everyone drives people away. Try to give off positive vibes, and more people will approach.
6. You're With Another Guy In Any Capacity
You appear to be taken if you arrive with guys, or meet guys while you're out. Guys have no way of knowing if you're with a guy. Some guys might ask, but some might just move on to someone who looks more available.
7. You have a Ring
Now I'll admit that I'm clueless, even for a guy. I'm not sure about the wedding ring/engagement rules: which hand/finger gets the ring? I know one has a big diamond, and one looks like a simple ring. But unmarried women wear all sorts of rings. Your ring that looks like a wedding ring might be keeping guys away (or maybe stupid guys like me, which is probably a good thing).
8. You seem BusyIt's easier to approach a girl who looks bored, like she wants someone to talk to. In a caf , if she's reading a book, or has her face in her laptop, I assume she's busy and doesn't want to deal with my stupid pick up attempt. In a bar, if she seems content doing whatever she's doing, I won't want to interrupt.
9. You're Literally Tough To Catch
I've devised strategic plans to make a move, waiting for a girl to go to the bar, or bathroom. But when she finally gets up she walks too fast, or takes bodyguards (tons of friends) with her. Bottom line, some women just don't give that opening physically for the approach. Remember, your migratory patterns might be exactly what that guy is waiting for, so be on the lookout when you're on the move.
10. You're a Wall Flower
If you're in the corner all night, or buried behind chairs and tables, you not only cut yourself off from the rest of the world, but some guys don't want to slalom obstacles to get to you. If you want guys to approach you, you might want to move or try out some other spots.
I was reading the comment and was particularly struck by this one:
"So, basically, we can't be around friends (male or female)-or on the contrary-by ourselves in a more obscure part of the bar/club/library/coffee shop, nor can we look too good or too sloppy. We must smile incessantly, never look serious (because heaven forbid they don't think we are happy idiots all of the time). We can't ever be pre-occupied with something else in public and no hand jewelry at all! Hmmm, okay, I have a better solution; Why don't these wimps just man up and approach the one they want no matter the circumstances? If she's taken, she'll tell you (better yet, why don't you just learn which hand the wedding/engagement ring goes on. We learned, perhaps it's time you do as well. You'll need to know sooner or later...). So what I am with a couple of friends? I know it's intimidating, but you are being judged as you walk away whether we're with friends or not. If you are a gentleman in your approach you probably won't get rejected anyway. If you do, there would be nothing for us to turn to our friends and snicker about. We'll say "no thank you" and get back to our girl talk. Who DOESN'T have a book in their hand or a laptop in front of them when they are alone in a cafe? What are we supposed to do? Sit there staring at other people? If she doesn't want to talk to you, she'll tell you and you can walk out and she can get back to what she's doing. Seriously, I am so tired of all of this crap about ways we have to alter ourselves to get guys to grow half a ball and do anything. We have to alter ourselves to have them approach us. We have to alter ourselves to have them remain faithful to us. We have to alter ourselves to ask them to marry us. What do guys have to do? Nothing. This whole cat and mouse game is getting on my last nerve!"
Bingo!
I feel like I'm too much of a "woman empowerer" or something. I guess maybe because I hate the system we live in, so much.
I guess that's all I've wanted to say for now. I'm going to try to get some sleep... I wish it would get out of my head.
B
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