Oddness

What an off day today. Once again, I didn't hear my alarm to wake up for my classes. I did my laundry, vacuum, and cleaned up a bit. Set up an appointment to get my cyst checked out and did the dishes. I was productive I suppose... Had to get ahold of my mom so I emailed her. She didn't respond right away like she usually would. She called later tonight and that was a very awkward phone call.

Watching the news right now, just heard the the announcement of the girl's death from bacterial meningitis. They showed some footage from the service and they said something like "she never liked the cold, but she loved the snow. And as you know, it snowed yesterday. A light, gentle snow." When I heard that, I just got goosebumps. I don't know why but I just did. I feel so sad for her and her family. Her family was presented her diploma she would've received in May at her service. How heartbreaking. I'm glad I didn't catch this when I was 2 weeks old...


My mind is out of control. People say that I have the choice to control my actions and thoughts and that I don't HAVE to think this way. Ah, fuck you to all that say that. I don't know the difference between me and my illnesses. I realize that something is off about me, and I'm OK with it because I can't change it. I'm OK with taken medication for the rest of my life. What I don't like, is that I don't know who I am compared to what the pills make me.
It's been so long since I've been off pills and when I was, it was not good at all. I realize that maybe my brain chemistry has matured, but I'll be damned if I end up in a place that sets me back from my schooling. Nervousness, worrying, anxiety are what I am. I CONSTANTLY worry, and lately, I think I've been doing it more than I should. I realize that there is good stress that is caused by natural things, like exams and whathaveyou. I'm losing sleep over the fact that I may not get the room I want for next year. I lose sleep over the fact that I don't have a mom anymore. I lose sleep over me not having ANY money. Perhaps I should talk to my psych again...this can't be good, or is it normal?
I'm a natural worrier, my grandpa is like none other and it skipped my mom and moved right to me. It affected my speech, my movement, and my brain. I hate my genes. But maybe I'm worrying too much for what's right for me? or maybe if I'm off my meds, I'm not even a worrier. Wow, that would be......amazing. I think I would just start crying because I would be so happy.

I guess that's a reason why I've been doing this blog thing, trying to get all my racing thoughts out of my head and maybe in an organized fashion, or at least in a stream-of-consciousness way...

I can't control my moods, I tend to act immediately instead of assessing the situation and not overreact, I can't control my stuttering and I can't control my anxiety. Fuck, I can't even figure out what triggers it. If I don't know that, how the hell can I control it? False hope is given to me by therapists, psychs and family and friends. I guess now I can just give a big "FUCK YOU" to all of you that tell me that it's a choice for me to feel this way and that I don't have to let it control me. I don't WANT IT to, it just does.

With all this worrying, I think I'm going to die at an early age. That with my high cholesterol and me not exercising because it hurts me so much. My hips and shins just can't take it. It's gotten worse over the years. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I would like to know; have a label, just to be comforted.
Also, if I worry so much, I feel like I am begging for reassurance because I worry so much. My thoughts are crazy, I don't think you (the audience) really understands. My thoughts are so illogical and improbable. But I cling onto the thought that it still COULD technically happen. I want reassurance so badly. To have someone to go to and just have them tell me it's going to be ok, and to listen to what I have to say and offer words of wisdom; ways I haven't thought of things before.
I tell my boyfriend compliments all the time. I tell him he's beautiful, handsome and sexy etc. I feel I don't get it back in that sort of way. Physically. I know damn well that he loves me but it's nice to hear what about me you love. I am so specific with him and he is so general with me. Just makes me feel like I'm not worth the time thinking about or explaining it. I want to be told I'm beautiful, sexy, and that he likes so-and-so about me. Not just "love you". Is this too much to ask for? Am I worrying too much or begging? I want to feel beautiful again and I feel like I'm trying too hard to get him to cooperate.

Maybe I'm just feeling like I'm being let down by everyone. The more I look at it, the more I see that I really don't have anyone to fall back on. I thought I could with my mom, or boyfriend. But I just feel fucking lonely. I miss physical contact so much. I would love to get a back rub, I'm afraid if I do though, I might start crying. I'm a very emotional person and crave physical contact. If I don't have it, I just sort of shut down.

I don't know why, but I just started crying.

For all I know, this could be PMS, overwhelming emotions, bipolar kicking in or tiredness.
Wow, this blog seems really fucking emo. Sorry!

I'm just sad, worried, numb, lonely and tired.

1.5 days till I see Luna. <3

Beth